I don't know
by RavenSohma
Summary: I don't know... That's what he kept telling Sunako when she asked him about the cut on his wrist. However Seishin Muroi knew quiet well why he did what he did, He couldn't say the scar was caused by the same man slaughtering her people outside the mansion.
1. Chapter 1

**_Authors notes: Here it is, my first fanfic in a while. The Shiki fandom has a dangerous lack of fics for this pairing and i love it to death. Thanks to the fanfic Requiem by Azadari for giving me an idea of what their first time may of been like. Remember to R/R. Thanks for reading!_**

I don't know...

_I don't know..._

That's what he kept telling Sunako when she asked him about the cut on his wrist. However Seishin Muroi knew quiet well why he did what he did, He couldn't say the scar was caused by the same man slaughtering her people outside the mansion. The scar was an ever present reminder of a love he could never achieve and a marriage he never wanted to preside over. He remembered it well...

-Eleven years earlier-

"You know, we don't need to stay in the village and live the lives that were chosen for us." Toshio looked over at Seishin as the words left the young monks mouth.

Seishin took another bite of his sandwich and chewed a few times while waiting for his best friend to respond. After a few minutes Seishin was almost sure he was going to get any response, just as Seishin began to pick up his things to throw them out Toshio spoke. "I don't think it's that easy." He said.

"Besides, you're already months into your training as a monk and I'm already half way through medical school, what's the point of quitting and choosing a new path now right?" Toshio rose from his seat, gathering his things. "I need to get to class, I'll talk to you later Seishin." He walked over and threw out the remains of his lunch, leaving the young monk standing there biting on his lip slowly.

"I suppose he's right…" Seishin tossed his bag towards the trash and watched it fall short, onto the ground beside the canister.

"…always a little short." A sad chuckle escaped his lips, he walked over and picked the bag out before throwing it away directly before walking off to his next lesson. The rest of the day was a boring blur of English lessons and presentations from a creative writing class he'd picked up on the side. After his classes Seishin walked his way to the bus stop where he was going to meet with Toshio. Toshio was really what made living in small little Sotaba tolerable, knowing his entire future had been planned out didn't bother him as much when he knew he wasn't suffering alone. He really did want to get away though; he didn't want to be a monk. He wanted to take Toshio somewhere they could be together…in the way he wanted them to be together. He sighed heavily as he turned the corner to the bus stop, he stopped walking when he saw Toshio talking with a girl. He recognized her as Toshio's girlfriend Kyoko. A wave of jealousy washed over the young monk, he gulped it down and walked over with a smile plastered on his face. "Toshio, Kyoko." He nodded to the both of them.

Toshio looked over, pulling out a cigarette and placing it in his mouth.

"Yo." He waved and took out his lighter. Seishin sighed, such a bad habit for a future doctor to have. Kyoko batted at his hand

"What have I told you about that nasty habit?" She asked. Toshio shrugged "It helps me relax." He took a long drag and looked back out to the road. The bus putted along the rocky road to the bus stop and came to a stop opening its doors for the three college students. They got on the bus, paying their fifty cents they moved back to get their seats. The doctor and his future wife sat in the back seat, the young monk a little in front of them. Seishin stared in front of him, and then glanced out the window at the countryside. Nothing but cows and Fir tree's everywhere, older people who spread rumors at the drop of a dime. You couldn't cough without the entire village knowing. In the back of the bus he could hear his friend and Kyoko making out. His hands shook, he clenched them a bit. The bus rolled in to Sotaba, stopping by the local shop. Seishin stood up and walked off the bus, he looked back and watched the other two get off the bus.

Toshio moved away from his girlfriend, waving at her. "See ya Kyoko." He walked next to Seishin as they walked towards the clinic and the temple. "So…Things seem to be going well with your relationship." Seishin broke the silence between them, immediately regretting his choice of subject. Toshio shrugged

"Well enough I guess.", 'a little more than well enough' Seishin thought to himself remember the two snogging in the back seat. He turned off the road to head to the temple. "See you around Toshio." He waved behind up and walked up to the temple. Switching from his school clothes into his temple robes, he sighed out deeply and adjusted his glasses. He slipped his sandals on and walked outside taking in the mountain air. He closed his eyes and tried to clear his mind of the bitter and impure thoughts about his best friend. Once he felt his mind was cleared he walked off the porch and went to get a broom to begin cleaning. His father would be holding services later and things couldn't be dirty.

A few hours passed, Seishin cleaned the shrine and paid his respects. The services kicked up about the same time they always did. Seishin stood by his fathers side and helped when the ceremony called for it. After a bit the temple patrons left and his father went to rest, leaving Seishin to clean the prayer room. He began with the alter and began scrubbing it. After a while of clearing he heard a noise from the back of the room, turning around he squinted through the darkness. He saw Toshio standing there, a little off kilter. The young doctor stumbled forward; as he got closer Seishin could smell the booze on his best friend. "Toshio, what are you doing here?" 'much less plastered', but he didn't voice that second part.

"Seishin…did…did you know you have really pretty eyes?" Toshio asked, a small laugh. He stumbled up in the church, Seishin blushed at the compliment. His heart racing seemingly caught in his throat. The young doctor stumbled his way up in front of his best friend, face flushed from the alcohol. Toshio grabbed Seishin's arm and pulled him in for a kiss. The young monk froze like a deer in headlights. He didn't know what to think. He stood there in shock, only snapping back when he felt is friends tongue pushing against his bottom lip, begging for entrance into his mouth. The young monk whimpered a bit, opening his mouth. Immediately he felt his friends tongue slide in and begin working it's way through his mouth. He moaned slightly into the kiss but then gaining a grasp on his senses he pushed his friend away. "Toshio, What do you think you're doing?" He panted, trying to gain control of his breathing and his heart rate. Toshio turned his brown eyes to meet with Seishin's green eyes. Toshio walked closer, Seishin moved back until he hit the back wall of the temple.

"You want me right?" Toshio looked him square in the eyes. The young monk opened his mouth and closed it again; he opened it and closed it again. His face was bright red as Toshio got closer to him. "I…" He didn't manage to choke out another word before his best friends lips pressed up against his again. Toshio pressed his body against the smaller man, running his hand along the monks arm. Seishin gripped onto Toshio's shirt gently, letting the kiss happen this time. "Toshio…" his voice was laced with a small amount of lust. His body shuttering a bit, Toshio's hands moved to part Seishin's robes. Lips lingering down to the monk's neck, Seishin bit his lip. He had to be quiet, if anyone even suspected something was going on, rumors would be plaguing the town in less than thirty minutes.

"Hey, don't silence yourself. I want to hear you." Toshio whispered in his ear, sucking on the bottom lobe. The young doctor trained a hand down between his friends legs and stroked him, an amused smirk on his face. "You're really hard already." he nipped Seishins neck. Seishin couldn't help but let out a small moan. It didn't take very much time past that, Seishin could barely remember when they started loosing their clothing. The last thing to be removed were his glasses, he heard Toshio mumble something about them being a pain in the ass.

Seishin gasped as Toshio pressed a finger against his entrance, his friends eagerness was really catching him off guard. He buried his face into his friends shoulder, the smell of cigarette smoke heavy as it always was. A small hiss escaped as Toshio pushed that first finger inside of him. The drunk boy with no tact pushed the finger in a little rougher, moving it in and out. Seishin dug his nails into his friends back. "Toshio..." he whimpered, another finger pushed into him. He couldn't help but bite down on his friends shoulder to stifle a cry.

Tears welled in the side of the young monks eyes, it hurt but at the same time it felt amazing. He'd been longing for this touch for years.

"please...Toshio...I want you." He felt the fingers leave him, a small whimper escaping his throat. It was quickly replaced by something bigger. Seishin bit into his friends shoulder, causing the young doctor to grunt. After a moment or two of settling in, Toshio began to thrust his hips. wrapping his arms tightly around the more frail male. Seishin did everything he could to keep himself from crying out too loudly, it was hard to keep himself silent. especially when his friend would hit him in just the right spot to make him see stars.

"more...more..." he whimpered into his friends ear. He wanted it, harder and faster...he wanted Toshio completely. He almost let out a huge moan when he felt his friends hand find his length and began stroking it. He kissed Toshio quickly to silence it. It wasn't much longer before the young priest released hard, he felt his friend thrust a few more times inside of him before something hot spilled inside of him. He whimpered, it felt good...the best he'd ever felt.

Toshio moved out of him, the room was quiet save for the quickened breathe from the two winded men. Before Seishin could gather his thoughts, he saw his friend getting dressed. The brown haired future doctor had his head hung, he put his clothes on and bolted out of the church. Seishin felt something snap inside of him. What was that about? Why had Toshio done that? Was he not good enough? Had he done something wrong? tears welled up in his eyes and he slid to his knees, after a bit he grabbed his clothes and his glasses and headed back to his house. He felt dead...absolutely so inside. Why...why had Toshio came in and thrown his life into a whirlwind like that? He'd been content staying a friend...but now?

What was he supposed to do? tears spilled down his cheeks, would Toshio even want to be around him after that? He stood up slowly, finishing his chores in a mindless state.

Days passed after that, Toshio didn't say a word to him. Actually went out of his way to avoid him. Seishin felt like something was ripping him apart from the inside out. The third day after the incident he walked home from school. Going to the kitchen he grabbed himself a bottle of wine and brought it with him...He just wanted to drink the pain away. He went to his room and started downing the bottle of wine, slumped back against the wall.

"Toshio...you idiot..." He could still remember the way his body felt as his friend had touched him all over. He chugged more of the wine, no, he wanted to forget. Forget Toshio, forget what had happened, forget the pain. He finished the wine bottle and stumbled to the kitchen to grab another. He took the wine, opened it and downed more of it. falling to his kitchens floor. He couldn't forget though...he couldn't forget the way his friend made him feel. The pounding of his heart, the touch of his hands. He brought the wine bottle up to his mouth, pouring in as much as he could drink at one time. He dropped the bottle on the ground, his eyes closed and opened...on the counter he saw a knife...

How easy would it be to cut it across his flesh? to never feel like this again? To never feel again at all. Would he go to hell? Did it really matter? God had already forsaken him anyway. He went over and picked up the knife, sliding back down to the ground. He pressed it against his wrist, sliding it to the side gently. He watched the blood start to seep from the newly formed cut, spilling down his wrist onto the kitchen floor.

He closed his eyes, it would all be over soon. No more pain. No more suffering. The next few things that registered in Seishin's mind was his mothers screaming...

"Call the Ozaki clinic"

No...he didn't want to see Toshio, nothing else until he heard his friend screaming at him. "Seishin! don't you dare leave me!" Toshio...why was he there? Why did Toshio want him around? Hadn't he been avoiding him? His eyes opened a little bit, He saw Toshio, a look on his eyes that Seishin couldn't describe..._'no...don't cry...Toshio'_ He opened his mouth to say that, but the words wouldn't come out.

He didn't like seeing the person he loved crying. He closed his eyes again. The next thing Seishin remembered was waking up in a hospital bed, the faint beeping of clinic equipment. He sat up in his bed to find Toshio asleep next to him. He reached over and touched his hair gently. The young doctor stirred, he jerked awake and stood up by his friends side. "Seishin! are you alright!" the monk's green eyes turned to him, he clutched the young doctors hand. "...Yes, I'm alright." He forced a small smile. Toshio looked at him, "What made you do something like that? I thought i was going to loose you." Seishin closed his eyes again. "I don't know." that was the first time he told that lie. That same lie he'd repeat for the next eleven years.

-present day-

Seishin opened his eyes, laying on the sofa in the Kirishiki mansion. He sighed, sitting up looking at the I.V. in his arm. It reminded her of that time spent in the hospital. He glanced at the sleeping girl next to him, He could never tell her...not with what was happening... so for the rest of his life the same lie would be told over and over again...

_'I don't know.'_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Toshio couldn't stop shaking, now that he was sober enough to realize what he'd just done. He pulled another cigarette out of his pack and lit it up, He took a long drag and closed his eyes. How in the world had he ended up in this situation? He looked up at the ceiling of his bedroom. He could still remember the heat of his best friend pinned back against the wall. moaning out his name...he shook his head and slammed his fist on his bed. "I can't believe I'm so stupid!"

He knew exactly how he'd gotten in that situation. After school that day he'd headed back to the clinic. Something was going on, some big emergency. He was quickly shooed out, told to go hang out with his girlfriend. His family had been pushing for him to get closer with Kyoko so they would get married and carry on the Ozaki line, it was a pain in the ass. Nobody listened to what he wanted though, everyone in the village was so set in their damned ways.

Toshio started smoking along the way to his girlfriends house, he knew it was a disgusting habit. What else was he supposed to do with the stress of the clinic falling quickly on his head though? At least he wasn't during to alcohol or drugs, something that might screw up his future as a doctor. Toshio tapped the cigarette dropping ashes onto the road. approaching Kyoko's house. She'd be surprised to see him again so quickly.

Toshio tossed the cigarette down and stepped on it before walking into his girlfriends family store. "Yo." He waved to her mother and walked towards the back. Nothing could of prepared him for the site awaiting him. He saw her there, lips locked with another man. The other mans hands wondering all over her body. Toshio could barely remember the next few minutes. He normally prided himself on being a fairly calm person, however the site of another man with his hands all over Kyoko's body was too much. The next thing he remembered clearly was walking home, still steaming mad.

"Of course i'd end up turning to drinking" Toshio sighed, closing his eyes again. The image of Seishin pinned against the wall floated into vision again. He opened his eyes. What would this do to their friendship? Their futures? Seishin was a monk for crying out loud! It couldn't be floating around the village that Seishin was gay. Toshio sat up, they'd keep it a secret. What'd happened between them would remain their dark secret. Besides, it wasn't like Toshio was actually interested in Seishin. It'd just been a fling done in a drunken lust caused by jealousy.

Feeling better after rationalizing the whole thing out in his head Toshio got up and opened the window to his room. It was chilly and the cold air helped him think better. He sat down and opened up his medical books and began on his homework, using it to push the entire incident from his mind.

Things went on like normal for the next couple of days, perhaps he was going out of his way to avoid Seishin a bit but who could blame him? Toshio was avoiding Kyoko too, he wanted to be alone and to focus on his studies. Of course his mother kept urging him into going to see Kyoko. He swore the relationship was more for her then for them at this point. Even if his mothers opinion of her wasn't the best, she was the only girl in town that had shown interest in Toshio. The young doctor rubbed the bridge of his nose, half asleep on the bus ride home. "Hey Toshio, are you listening to me?" He heard his girlfriend ask from next to him. "Hmmm? oh sorry." He glanced at her. "What was that you were saying?"

"I said the college is doing a dance this weekend, i asked if you wanted to come. It's more interesting then anything going on in Sotaba anyway." A school dance? He didn't remember anything about that. Had he really been spacing out the world around him that badly? "Yeah sure, sounds fun." He'd rather be at home doing his work, but it would make Kyoko happy and would serve as a decent distraction he supposed.

Toshio didn't notice his friend glancing back at him, or the silent awkwardness as they parted at the bus stop. He hadn't noticed a lot of things. looking back on it in later years he should of saw the warning signs clear as day. Seishin had been depressed and withdrawn, he'd shown no interest even in his writing. However, Toshio didn't notice a thing. Until a call came into the Ozaki clinic late one night, It was one of the nurses who took it initially.

"Hello, Ozaki clinic how may I help you. Oh Monk, how are you..." the nurse trailed off. "The Junior monk did what?"

Toshio's head jerked over hearing this. "What happened?" He looked at the nurse. "Toshio, go up to the temple. The Junior Monk cut his wrist." Toshio swore and grabbed a medical bag before any more could be said. "Tell my mother I'm up at the temple." He bolted out of the front door without another word and ran up to the temple as fast as he could.

"How the hell did i not notice this!?" He growled. He bounded up the stairs, Seishin's mom was standing outside. "Toshio! Seishin's in here." She walked him in to the kitchen. Seishin was laying there, a pool of blood under one of his wrist a bunch of booze bottles laying forgotten on the ground. "The hell were you thinking" He scowled, he grabbed his friends wrist and pulled it up above his heart to slow the blood flow. He pulled out some disinfectant and ran it against the cut. "Seishin! don't you dare leave me!" He yelled at his friend and began wrapping the wound with gauze. Tears sprung into his eyes, this was his fault! If he hadn't of gone and slept with Seishin it wouldn't of ended up like this!

Seishin's eyes opened a bit "Toshio..." the doctor looked down at his friend, tears rolling down his cheeks by this point as he pulled the wrapping tighter. Seishin's eyes closed again, "I'm going to bring him to the clinic." He picked Seishin up into his arms. "Get a blood drip going to replenish what he's lost." He took Seishin back to the clinic and got him all set up with a I.V.

He sat by his friend side, squeezing his hand. "Damn it..." he dropped his head. "This is...my fault.." He watched his friend for a bit before falling asleep. The next thing he knew he felt the soft touch of his friends hand. "Seishin?!" He looked over and saw his friend smiling weakly at him. "Seishin are you alright?!" The monk's green eyes turned back to him, "Yeah...I'm alright." He squeezed Toshio's hand softly. "What we're you thinking!? I thought I was going to loose you!" The monk closed his eyes again. "I don't know..." That was a lie, that was a blatant lie! Toshio sighed, he wasn't going to get an honest answer out him though.

Toshio opened his eyes, why the hell had he thought about that at a time like this? Seishin was gone, he'd gone up to the Kirishiki mansion. Most likely to die. "It really is my fault isn't it?" he pulled out a cigarette and lit it up. "That idiot."


End file.
